Drinking is Bad
by faerimagic
Summary: L's latest plan: Get Light drunk and make him confess his identity. Takes place during the handcuff period. Slight shonen-ai  without the ai . Slight language.


**AN: Matsuda is actually very important in this story~ :D**

**And they're drinking from beer bottles. Perhaps the reactions are a bit off, but I NEVER HAD BEER so I wouldn't know. XD I'm not legal for that yet! (Even if I were, I would still refuse to drink it, just sayin.)**

**Warning: Slight Language.**

* * *

><p>"Am I useless?" Matsuda asked L.<br>"That is one very random question, my friend." L replied, too preoccupied with his sugar tower to really care.  
>"Well, I don't feel as if I do much." Matsuda sighed. And it was true. It was as if all he was good for was keeping an eye on a blonde gothic lolita and fetching a new supply of sweets for L.<br>L looked up. "It seems to me that you feel lost."  
>"Not exactly..." Matsuda said as he scratched his head. After all, he still enjoyed this field area, even if he did spend all his time being a chore boy.<br>"Depressed?" Light contributed. The auburn teen was on his laptop, typing, searching, for any new evidence on Kira.  
>"Dear me." L said as he put his nail in his mouth. "Have you hit your midlife crisis already?" The suggestion nearly shocked Matsuda to the ground.<br>"What? NO!" Matsuda denied, albeit a bit desperately. He sighed again.  
>"Perhaps you need a rest." L said.<br>"Or just a drink."  
>"I'm afraid that's not possible." L said as he carefully put away his sugar tower. It was teetering just a little bit. "Your job is to look after Amane-san."<br>"Too bad." Matsuda grinned tiredly. "There was this place I wanted to go to. I heard their drinks are superb."  
>"Oooh, what kind of place?" said a high-pitched voice. The sugar tower began to collapse due to an accidental push of L's hand.<br>"It's a cafe across the city." Matsuda answered.  
>"Oh, then it's alright for you to go if I come with you."<br>"Amane-san likes to drink?" L said, as he picked up the fallen sugar cubes.  
>"Oh, I don't." Amane said. "But maybe I could go there on a date with my Light-kun. Maybe we'd do some crazy stuff. How about it, Light?" She hugged Light, who was obviously not amused.<br>"Misa..." Light sighed exasperately. Once again, he wondered how the hell he got her as a girlfriend.  
>"Crazy, huh?" L mused. "Like what?"<br>"Like admitting he's Kira?" Matsuda chuckled.  
>"Not you, too!" Light groaned. He had enough of the Kira accusations to last a lifetime.<br>"Who cares about the Kira stuff, I just want a date. We haven't gone out since foreverrrrr!" Misa whined, dragging out her last syllable.  
>"You do know that wherever you go, Matsuda-kun has to follow you?" L pointed out (Though without the pointing part, as one hand was still picking up the sugar cubes. The other was in his mouth.) "Similarly," he continued. "Light and I are still attached with the handcuffs."<br>Misa pouted. She couldn't find any solution to the dilemma, so she resigned and accepted the fact that "A Date With Light-kun" would actually mean a foursome.  
>"We're going out." She promptly said. "I don't really care about you or Matsuda, as long as I have my Light-kun to myself." And to prove her point, she grabbed Light's arm and began pulling him out.<br>"What, now?" Light frowned.  
>"Yes, now!~" Misa said.<br>"Drinks, it is!" Matsuda grinned.  
>L sighed. "Well, since Light-kun seems to have no say in the matter, I guess I'll just have to come along, too." He said as he rose tiredly, seemingly having no interest of going with them. However, his acting skills were blown off by his next sentence. "By the way, does this cafe have good cakes?"<p>

* * *

><p>Of course, L did have a goal by following Light and Misa other than the cakes (which, by the way, the cafe did not have). And to start off his plan, he ordered a large bottle of beer.<br>"Beer?" Light questioned. It seemed odd that a sweet-lover would like that much beer.  
>"What? A grown man like me can't enjoy a glass of beer?" L said. He sipped a bit, carefully hiding his disgust. "Have a shot." he told Light. "You're a college student, you should be able to handle this stuff."<br>"Yeah, Light-kun." Matsuda drawled. "Have a glass!" Matsuda - it seemed - was already drunk.  
>"Well, if you insist." Light said hesitatingly. He didn't really like beer, but he picked up the glass anyways. Misa, eager to copy her beloved, did the same thing, except downing the whole glass in one take.<br>"Ooh, I'm dizzy..." she said as she collapsed into Light's lap.  
>"Misa, please get off of me." Light said, not particularly happy about having an up-and-coming model on him.<br>"Why the hell should I?" The blonde grinned. Misa hiccuped. "It's comfy."  
>"Not for me, it isn't." He said as he tried to push her off.<br>She frowned. "It seems to me...*_hic*..._ that you're not drunk yet." Misa sat up on Light's lap. "Matsuda!" she barked.  
>"Yes, Your Majesty!" Matsuda saluted.<br>"Stand up!"  
>"Yes!" He stood up.<br>"Stand behind Light-kun!" Misa ordered.  
>"Right!" He said as he went to the designated spot.<br>"Now, please be a dear and restrain Yagami Light for me."  
>"Hey, wait a-"<br>"Of course!" Matsuda shouted as he grabbed Light's arms. Light, being an able athlete, tried to break free but was rendered baffled by Matsuda's drunken strength.  
>"Now Light, be a good boy." Misa chided as she poured another glass. "Drink the damn beer!" She pinched Light's nose and shoved the glass into his mouth.<br>He choked. He spluttered. Then, realizing how much of a fool he looked like, he drank the beer for the sake of getting the stupidity over with.  
>When the glass was empty, he gasped and glared at L.<br>"Ryuzaki, I was dying from suffocation and you're just sitting there doing _nothing!_"  
>"On the contrary." L said. "I'm still drinking my beer." <em>Despite how much I hate the ghastly beverage<em>. L added to himself. "I'm also contemplating how great a difference a single glass makes on Amane-san and Matsuda-kun."  
>"It's the magical drink of paradise~" Matsuda said while still gripping tightly onto Light's arms.<br>"Is...is everything alright?" A waitress timidly asked.  
>"Why, yes." L replied, turning towards her. "Everything is perfectly alright." He took a sip of his disgusting beer, as if that accentuated the normalty of the situation.<br>Unnerved by his dark, shineless eyes, the waitress quickly bowed and left to serve the next customer.  
>"No, everything is NOT perfectly <em>alright!<em>" Light said with anger.  
>"Oh my, are you <em>alright<em>?" L said. "You seem to be unable to find a synonym for 'alright'." This statement was made purely to mock Light's current condition.  
>"Bastard." Light said.<br>Misa frowned. "You naughty boy, don't curse in front of my face. I'm still sitting on your lap, you know."  
>"Oh, then could you <em>please get off?<em>"  
>The Lolita tsked. "You don't give the orders, my prince. <em>I<em> do. Now, listen to me!" She quickly poured another drink. "Get drunk already!" She commanded.  
>Needless to say, another glass of beer was forced down Light's throat.<p>

Another.

And still another.

The intervals between sips that L took of the disgusting drink grew longer as he watched and counted the amount of downings Light was forced to take.  
>After each downing, Misa asked the same question.<br>"Are you drunk yet?"  
>After each downing, Light said a crude word.<br>It was on the 11th downing when Light began to groan.  
>"My...my head...hurts." he muttered. Sensing a change in his demeanor, L put his down his glass of beer with relief.<br>"You're drunk?" Misa said with excitement.  
>"Dr...drunk?" Light groaned. He glanced at his restrainer. "LET GO OF ME, YOU...you...turkey..."<br>Matsuda took this as an insult.  
>"I'm not a chicken!" Matsuda protested.<br>"You're an idiot." L said.  
>"That's right, I'm an idiot!"<br>Misa sighed. "Matsuda, let go of the Prince."  
>"Yes, mistress!" Matsuda saluted once again, before returning to his beer.<br>Misa returned her attention to Light.  
>"So, Light. It seems you're finally drunk." She said with a smile.<br>"Drunk...drunk...I'm...thirsty..." Light said, reaching for a glass. Misa filled it up. The auburn-haired boy held the cup to his lips and was about to drink it, but evidently thought of a better idea and held it to Misa's lips instead.  
>She drank the beer with happiness. When the drink was finished, she gasped and began to treacherously sway in her ecstasy. With Light making no indication of holding her in place, Misa consequently toppled onto the floor.<br>Light laughed, as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.  
>It was this moment that L chose to execute his plan.<br>"So, Light." L said to him. "You know about the Kira case?" L quietly took out his cell phone and began recording the conversation.  
>"Kira? Of course I know about it!" He took another drink. "<em>I'm <em>Kira!" He said as he thumped down the glass.  
>L smiled. <em>Checkmate<em>. However, Light wasn't finished speaking.  
>"Look at me!" He continued. "I'm handsome, aren't I? Girls can't help but fall for me! I'm practically sparkling with all the Kira-kira-ness!"<br>L frowned. "Sparkles?"  
>"Yeah!" Light drawled. "Just like...like...the <em>Cullenary Arts!<em>" He took another swig of beer.  
>L was starting to regret the beer he ordered.<br>Yagami Light stared at L, as if seeing him for the first time.  
>"Whatsa your name again?" He asked L suspiciously.<br>"L!" Matsuda interrupted with a hiccup. "His name is L!"  
>"Elle!" Light repeated as he leaned back with satisfaction. "Elle, Elle. Weird name. I knew a princess named Elle."<br>"I dated her!" Matsuda claimed. "Or wait..no...that was what people called me in high school...LOSER!" He made an 'L' with his fingers and put it in front of his forehead while laughing hysterically.  
>Misa suddenly got up from the floor.<br>"_MORE!_" She gasped as she clutched the bottle. She brought it to her lips, only to realize it was...empty. "Aww, no more." she said with pure sadness.  
>"Good." L said. He felt utterly bored and disappointed. Perhaps Yagami Light was not Kira, after all. But then again, there was a 6% chance that Light could still hide his Kira identity away even while drunk. Maybe.<br>He reverted to his usual sitting position, with his knees up to his chest, and tried to find another way of making Light admit that he was Kira.  
>"Fun's over." Light said as he slurped the last drops of beer from his glass.<br>"Oh, pooh." Misa said. "Let's order more, the fun's barely started.  
>"I'm broke." Matsuda said. he took the beer bottle from Misa and tried his luck, hoping to see if beer would magically go down his throat. It didn't, to his disappointment. Trying to find something else to do, he spun the bottle around.<p>

He spun it again.

Again.

And once again.

And then he smiled his idiotically stupid smile.  
>"SPIN DA BOTTLE!" He cried. He spun the bottle once again, and it pointed to Misa. He lunged.<br>"Eww, no! My lips are only for Light-kun!" she said, ultimately dodging the kiss. (Matsuda fell onto the floor.)  
>Light grinned. "You spin it, Misa!"<br>"OK~!" Misa said. She spun the green beer bottle and to her happiness, it pointed to the auburn Prince. "Oh, Light, it's meant to be!" She said as she planted her lips on him. Light then took the bottle and took a turn.  
>The empty bottle began to spin and spin, to the point where L's black eyes started to feel dizzy.<br>"I do hope that dreadful bottle spins onto the floor and shatters." The black-haired detective said.  
>Unfortunately, it seemed that today was filled with bad luck as it pointed to L himself.<br>"Haha, Light has to kiss Ryuzaki!" Matsuda laughed.  
>"I'm kissing Ms. Elle?" Light grinned.<br>L took his finger out of his mouth, feeling just a bit insulted and slightly irritated. He was about to calmly explain his gender when a mouth tasting like beer was planted on his own.  
>"<em>MMmrrf-!<em>" L muffled. Light's face was close, too close for his comfort and L felt slightly disturbed with how his heart was reacting to this new, foreign experience. After all, he wasn't familiar with most of the social aspects of life, so kissing -especially with another _male_- was beyond his expertise and knowledge.

Light pulled away. "You're a good kisser, Ms. Elle." He smiled. L could see that his cheeks were flushed, though whether or not his was due to the kiss or from drinking, even he could not tell.  
>L tried to regain composure. "I'm not Ms. Elle, Light-kun." L said with as much calmness he could muster. Though really, all he wanted was a couple hundred cakes (with strawberries) to wash the disgusting taste of beer mixed with 35% of saliva out of his mouth. Or was it 53%?<p>

"You ordered 10 bottles of beer?" The waitress asked them, a bit uncertain with the number.  
>"I did!" Misa waved her hand. (It seemed that her kiss with Light had rendered unconscious, and thus, did not see the godforsaken kiss.)<br>L paled (which is saying something, considering the fact that his skin was pale-ish white already).  
>"Oh, no." He said.<br>"Oh, _yes_." Light said. "Hand me a cup, Misa!" She handed him a cup before pouring both her and Matsuda drinks.  
>"Ok, Ms. Elle, I <em>do<em> think it's time for you to get drunk." The copper-haired teen said before forcing the cup into L's mouth.  
>L began to struggle. "Stop it, Light!" He said. "Please be serious, this is insane!"<br>"I _am_ serious! Now stop spilling the cup, will ya?" He sighed and sat on L so suddenly, it made L gasp slightly in shock and pain. "Now drink!" Light said, pouring the rest of the contents of the drink down.  
>L gagged. He put all of his energy on trying not to drown in the beer cascading down his throat.<br>But with each cup Light forced down his throat, his mind felt more dim and more stupid until finally, he blacked out.

* * *

><p>L woke up in bed with a mindsplitting headache. And why was that? He didn't even drink anything the night before.<br>He clutched his head.

_Or did he?_

L had the strangest feeling that he concocted a plot to get Light drunk and to make him admit that he was Kira.  
>He also had a faint memory of Watari picking up all the drunkees and driving them back to the apartment complex.<br>L poked Light, who was sleeping next to him.  
>"Light-kun?" L asked him.<br>"Go away, Ryuzaki." Light replied, sounding tired. "I have a migraine."  
>"I do, too." L said, sounding as normal as ever.<br>Light rolled his eyes. "Good for you." he said, before pulling the covers over his head.  
>L stared at him for a few moments before taking out his cell phone. If anything had evidence of the previous day, it would be his phone.<p>

* * *

><p>-<em>BIP-<em>

_"Stop it, Light! Please be serious, this is insane!" _A strained L said.  
><em>"I <em>am_ serious!"_ Light replied._ "Now drink!" _

There was a gagging noise and some coughs, and then...

"_I feel...funny..."  
>"Drunk?"<br>"I see cake everywhere. You're a cake. You seem like a delicious cake."  
>"Why, thank you, Ms. Elle."<em> said Light, sounding pleased with the compliment.  
>There was a gasp, and then a glass being thumped on the table.<br>"_Kiss me, Light!_" Misa begged.  
>"<em>OK!" <em>There was a brief lapse of dialouge, excluding Matsuda's Song of Random Things in the background.  
>"...<em>Kissing looks fun." <em>L said.  
>"<em>You wanna try?" <em>Light asked him.  
>"<em>Really?" <em>L said, sounding very enthusiastic. _"Sure!"  
>"Yeah, go Light and Ms. Elle!" <em>Matsuda hiccuped.  
>"<em>NO, stop sucking Light with your tentacles, you...octo...pus!"<em> Misa whined drunkily before collapsing.  
>"<em>That was fun, let's do it again!" <em>L said with a child-like voice.  
><em>"Alright, one more time!"<em>

* * *

><p>L listened to the conversation with a nail in his mouth.<br>_This...This is bizarre...  
><em>He turned to look at Light, who was looking at the phone with an expression of horror.  
>"This completely baffles and frightens me." L said.<br>Light looked at him. "As do I, Ryuzaki. As do I."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So kids, remember. DRINKING IS BAD.<strong>

**We have special guests today from the police department to tell us their experiences with drinking.**

**L: Shall I let them listen to the evidence? *holds up phone***

**Light: Let's refrain from the evidence this time. Remember the parental phone calls you received last time?**

**L: Oh, yeah, but the first 3 seconds of all of them annoyed me so I deleted all of them.**

**Light: ...**

**Yeah, ok, so I realized that I said "auburn" a lot. And then I used "copper". There's not much words to describe a reddish brown color.**

**Characters are OOC? Well, of COURSE they're OOC! They're _drunk_, ya know!**

**Edit: Well, GodsOfDeathLikeApples asked for Matsuda's Song of Random Things! I felt compelled to write this little insane snippet! **

* * *

><p>Matsuda: A is for apple you and me, B is for bishounen~ R is for...wait...no, IT'S M. M is for MxNxM! Yeah, now, song change... You put your left foot left *puts left foot left*, you put your right foot right *puts right foot right*, you put your...your...ladida... and then shake with all your might...*slides and falls out of his seat*<p>

...Ow...That hurts... Need more beer. *sips beer*

OH YEAH *pumps fist*, NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, and then some other parts that I don't remember, but WHO CARES, *points at audience* YOU JUST GOT RICKROLLED.

Audience: ... o_O

Matsuda: U MAD? *trollface*


End file.
